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INTRO QUEST:
--Welcome to the disco inferno, man. It's my special place, where I can just be me, without the prying eyes of my P.O. or witnesses or law enforcement types such as yourself. Here is where I am free to unleash my fire and mayhem in a pants free, consequence free environment. I have pants on now, yes, but who knows what the next half-hour, forty-five minutes hold?

TRAIN STOP:
--I was just thinking, like, maybe back in the day sometime there was some guy in a suit, he has a nice hat, some flowers, and he was just sitting here just waiting for his beautiful chick to arrive on the train but she never came for some reason, and he just cried and cried and shit like that and the world was still all black and white... I bet that happened.

BRIDGE:
--Tried to write my name on that bridge with spray paint once. I leaned over the edge... and I pissed myself! Yeah! It was too fuckin' high for me, I got scared.

LORNA'S(?):
--I used to steal porn mags and smokes from this place. Whoa... gettin' nostalgic.

ORCHARD:
--You ever go apple pickin'? I don't get it.

MASTER BAIT SHOP:
--Master-Bait, hehe. Oh, never mind. I keep forgetting you don't get highbrow comedy.

FANG ANIMAL CENTER:
--Did you think that Fang Center was like Sports Center but more for vampires?

HOT SPRINGS:
--Yes man, hot springs is back. I used to get the best massages here. Guess how good they were? There was no happy ending and I still loved it.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS GUY IS THE FANDOM'S FAVORITE:
--When i was 13 years old, I used to come here ever night in the summer to hook up with the girls here. So many memories. Surprisingly, never fingerblasted here.
--When i was 14, yeah 14, I had a girlfriend in each one of these cabins, and you guessed it, I fingerblasted every one of them. Yeah, man, memory lane is a pretty sweet street to drive down sometimes. 'Specially when you got so many memories about fingerblastin'.
--Now the second girl I ever fingerblasted was up on that tower there. Yeah.

WORDS OF WISDOM:
--Duct tape fixes everything. except marriages... and a broken home.
--I bet calves would burn real good if you took a blowtorch to 'em -- I'm not saying that I would do it, or that you should do it. It's just, I dunno, I think something interesting might happen... if you did do it.


RANDOM:
--Is that a zip-line coming off that tower? oh man, we should zip it. Let's zip it!

--And on your left, that's the spot of my very first skinny-dip. Little known fact: I was not alone.

--I don't get it, why would anyone build a town for ghosts? Ghosts can't pay rent.

--Oh, this place has some bad memories for me. Yeah, chick once dumped me here, broke my heart, I cried for a week. But then I rose up, like the man-phoenix you see before you now.

--Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Get it? 'Cos it's a dam? Aw man, why am I wasting these good puns on you?

--The cult once recruited people here with barbecues. I went once, worst fucking potato salad I ever had in my life. I thought, ain't you supposed to poison people after they joined the cult?

--Nick and Kim have moved on to the "having kids" stage of life, which I don't know why anyone would want to do that. You know what it does to a woman's downstairs? It ain't pretty. You ever... punched your fist into quicksand then pulled it out real fast?

--It's a pun. It's like a smart person's joke, you wouldn't understand it I guess.

--Peggies used to come here and race cars. I guess Jesus don't mind racing, and that's one cool thing about him.

--I do hate this place. You know what it's like to be a kid and have to sit through three hours of mass, it is torture. Wish I was Catholic. Yeah, I know there's all the butt-fucking, but it's worth it for a 45-minute service, right?