Plurk paste

So I’m kinda having a high anxiety moment right now and I’d like some support but then I realize… No one knows what the fuck is even going on with me because I’ve been so MIA so I guess I should update a bit before asking for support (just company really, nothing fancy)
I was doing kinda okay before getting covid for the first time in august (which was about as sick as I’ve ever been. My throat hurt so bad (and I’ve had strep more than a dozen times in my life) I couldn’t swallow at all and was considering going to the ER for pain meds, but I got through it) and after that I think I just crashed for a while. I was really tired, probably COVID related.
My general health has continued to decline. On top of all of my severe methane SIBO stuff (I can’t eat carbs without feeling very unwell, it’s sort of like Chron’s Disease but instead of gluten affecting the colon, it’s all simple carbs and it effects the small intestine) I have also developed stomach pains that make me think stomach ulcers. I’ve tested positive for h pylori a few times so that’s probably the root.
Like, here’s a list of full-stop no foods I absolutely can’t eat:
-Most refined flours (including nut and seed and corn flours) so this means no white bread, pasta, baked goods, etc
-More than a tiny amount of rice.
-More than a tiny amount of any kind of potatoes.
-More than a tiny amount of corn.
-Soy products. Soy milk, tofu, soy flour, soybeans, and ESP soy sauce
-Chickpeas, garbanzo beans, any kind of lentil that is known to cause gas
-No more than a VERY tiny amount of all tree nuts and most seeds. Eggs only in strict moderation. Fatty meats are a no (these are unrelated to SIBO but still make me nauseous for some reason, probably due to being hard to digest)
-Fermentable fruits like apples and pears.
-Vegetables high in certain sugars like onions and garlic have to be used sparingly.
-on TOP of this, due to the stomach ulcers, anything high in acid or very spicy causes me serious stomach pain. So stuff like citrus, tomatoes, spicy foods are also all out.
There are probably more than what I’ve listed but I just can’t think of them at the moment. As you can see my diet is extremely restricted. Here are the foods that are keeping me alive right now.
-Sprouted grain breads and cereals (Ezekiel products)
-Lactose free milk and dairy products like hard cheeses and butter
-Peanut butter (the only nut that doesn’t make me nauseous)
Of course, there are quite a few vegetables and fruits that are okay, but you have to realize that fruits and veg are not really good sources of calories. I’d have to eat literal heaps of veg to even get close to meeting my basal metabolic rate. And since large amounts of meats and fats cause my nausea, I can’t do carnivore or keto or anything like that either. I’m living off of that tiny list of safe foods right now.

On top of all that, my anhedonia is continuing to get worse. I have no sensation of excitement or happiness about anything. I have close to zero sexual function (I attempt to masturbate and literally feel nothing). It’s like whatever chemical humans have that makes their reward center work I simply do not have. I still feel fear, stress, anxiety, depression, despair—just not anything positive.
I feel so hopeless that I’ve just kind of given up on treatment. My parents are trying to take over my medical care and are realizing how much of a second job it is when they have to do it.
They managed to get me to see a new GI in hopes that I would get good treatment (because they claim to understand the brain gut axis, take on challenging cases, etc) but we had a pretty poor first appointment. I was barely about to explain my current misery—the doctor got really hung up on my past experience with lifelong constipation and thinks that I just need to un-constipate myself, which is like… Dude. Buddy. Pal. I have been trying to do that my whole life, and all of this shit I’m going through now has only been for the past 3-4 years. I’m on several motility agents and osmotics. They don’t work. There’s something deeper here.
AND THEN: we find that this GI does not take ACA healthcare plans SPECIFICALLY. They take literally every blue cross plan but the one that’s provided through the ACA. So I had to pay for that appointment out of pocket.
I love being locked out of healthcare that I need because I can’t hold a job with enough hours to get benefits.
I feel like my Psychiatrist is just like, shrugging his shoulders on the anhedonia thing. I’ve done Ketamine, I’ve done hyperbaric oxygen, every antidepressant known to man… All that’s really left to me is once again, electroconvulsive therapy. Which I do not want because it’s known to cause severe memory problems and can also permanently damage learned skills. So there’s just nothing left for me at this point.
I’m not actively s****dal or anything but I do not want to live this life. If this is what the rest of my life is going to feel like, I do not want it. It’s simply not worth it.
With my brother having a kid on the way I get these strong feelings of wanting to “get myself out of the way”. I’m terrified of children, esp how they’re vectors of disease, so I need limited contact, but like… I live with my parents. Who are the grandparents. The kid deserves to have their grandparents without anything else in the way. Which makes me feel like I should just disappear so that kid can have a better life and my family doesn’t have to work around me anymore. I don’t feel like there’s anything about me that’s worth keeping alive.
I feel like something less than human. And it’s not anyone’s fault. Nobody’s unkind to me or anything. I’m just an alien. I have no human pleasures. Nothing that’s supposed to make people happy makes me happy. I’m just some kind of alien creature that’s incompatible with reality.
I know this all sounds really dire and I don’t want anyone to worry. I mean, I know people will likely worry anyway and that’s fine, but I’m not in immediate danger. I’m just stuck in the pits of despair right now and losing hope that things are going to get better. But I have no plan nor feel motivated to act on ending my existence. So just don’t worry about that at least.
I think that’s about it. Sorry for being such a bummer. I just felt that people that might care about me deserve to know the truth of my absence.