Plurk paste

Some days get so lonely, and it gets frustrating, and I often find myself sitting here and wondering why I bother staying on SL when the majority of my day is spent alone and wishing I knew why, even when I go out of my way and make myself talk to people I still find myself alone. I’ll make a friend and for a while we talk and chat happily and then… they just stop, it tapers out and suddenly I’m the only one reaching out and conversations die because they don’t respond and I’m left wondering if I did something or said something and it happens so consistently that I just don’t know what to do, eventually I get so tired of being the one reaching out that I stop trying, and then I find people accusing me of not talking to them anymore and I get so confused. Social interactions are so difficult for me to manage that I don’t know the next step to take, how do I move forward from there? Is it really so much to want friends who actually seem like they want to spend time with me rather than ones who just do it when they don’t have anything else to do?

I know I have issues, I’m well aware of that, but how can I work on things that affect other people when they don’t tell me what’s wrong, when people rather than expressing an issue I have just.. Stop talking to me instead? How can I improve myself or work on issues when I don’t know what the issue is, some say I’m annoying but they don’t say why and I’ve had others tell me I talk too much when I’ve barely spoken but a few words to them. To have someone say I’m to open about things when I’ve always been completely honestly and they never said they don’t want to talk about certain things its...frustrating. I can’t read people, even more so when it’s over text, and yet I’m expected to just know things when no one says them, how does that work?
I’ve stopped talking to people about what’s going on in my life, because people say I’m always negative, and I sit there and do my best to listen to others but when they don’t want to listen to me in return how can I call that a friendship, when I have to sit there and smile and be happy and pretend when all I want to do is break down and cry but I’m so terrified I’ll just scare someone off because I’m so overstressed and all I want to do is talk and get advice but no one really wants to listen. No one wants to hear about real problems, they don’t want to hear my brother is doing heroin and stealing from me and I’m in pain all of the time and they don’t wanna hear that my anxiety makes me physically ill when I have to try and face going to someplace as simply as the grocery store, they don’t wanna hear that I’m so exhausted that I can’t think straight, that I wake up daily and have to force myself out of bed and at least twice a week have a mild fever.

They want me to smile, and RP and hang out, they don’t want to comfort me, they don’t want me to be unable to continue, they sit there and just complain ‘well your always sick’ when I mention not feeling well or when I say I can’t rp that day I get ‘well you never do anyway’. When I’ve sat there and mentioned that if someone wants to rp to PLEASE just message me and we can but no one ever does. So I stop saying it, I stop saying anything and I spend my day sitting at my desk and waiting, waiting for someone to want to hang out with me, and there is nothing, no one is there, no one bothers. I’ll message people and try and ask if they are busy and almost always they are, or I’ll try and start a conversation but it will quickly die out because I don’t know what to do or say anymore and it’s so fucking lonely but I try to keep going and try to keep smiling and chatting and then I get told that ‘people don’t like me because I talk to much’ when 90% of the time I feel like I’m just talking to myself anyway.
When I try and tell a friend I’m depressed and what I get back is them telling me it’s all my fault, that I don’t try hard enough and that I’m the reason no one talks to me accusing me and yelling at me for doing things I haven’t done, and while I understand I can get emotional and sometimes even bitter it’s very hard to remain happy all the time and it slips out and instead of people talking to me I get people pushing me away the moment I say something that isn’t silly and smiles and happy so I have to try and pretend to be happy instead again.
I can’t talk about my problems, and I can’t talk about how I really feel, and it’s such a weight sitting on my chest day in and day out to smile and smile and smile and smile.
That I’ve repeatedly been shoved away when I reach out to someone who I think honestly would give a shit that I’m feeling depressed is… disheartening. That I’ll make silly chatty nonsense plurks and even those end up sitting empty and untouched and I wonder who actually reads them

What am I to other people? What am I worth and what can I do to not feel this way.
Even the friends I have the ones who have remained near me are often far too busy, and it’s not that I resent them for being busy it’s that they all are always busy and no matter how many times I reach out its always the same story same line and the conversation dies, everyone is busy and happy and content and I’m lonely. It isn’t like I’m not making the effort because I am but it’s not working and it’s so hard for me to keep trying when I only get the same results time after time after time.
No one seeks me out to talk to, seeks me out to hang out, no one remembers I’m there half the time and when the highlight of my day is the fact I got two messages from the same person I feel rather depressed.

I fight myself each time I try to send a message to a person because I’m so scared I’ll be to bothersome that half the time I can’t work up the courage to do it.
I understand I have a very fragile emotional state and that when something goes wrong it can fracture fairly easily but it’s so difficult to keep myself smiling when I’m just so used to things going wrong all the time, when my entire life has been a series of things going wrong, of broken promises, of bad memories and missing memories, of not being able to trust when someone says they like me, of feeling used and of feeling like I’m not worth talking to only to have that fairly proven when people seem to drift away and I don’t know why.

Maybe I’m just repeating myself now but I’m not sure what else to do, I’m so tired of feeling like I’m just there for when people don’t have anything else to do.
I’m tired of defaulting to talking about shopping because it’s a safe neutral subject that doesn’t mean anything because I’m scared if I get into how I really feel that they will just push me away again, I reach out and ask people how they are and I’m more than willing to listen but when a conversation falters I’m left at a loss for how to move forward because I feel like I can’t respond with my own issues.
Maybe it’s because I have to many things going on in my life that are stressing me out because yes the majority of what I deal with is negative but that’s because the majority of what’s going on in my RL has been negative and it’s not something I can control, the last few years have been just… insane and painful and there’s so much I want to discuss that I just…cant.

Perhaps it’s because I struggle to remember things right away but I try, I try every day and I struggle to remember things and to have my brain function properly, I can’t seem to get myself to work right and I want to cry, I hate it and I hate how it messes up and I hate when I sit there frustrated desperately trying to recall something important and I hate when I wake up and I just can’t make myself move forward and wake up enough to do anything and I end up spending most of the day zoning in and out because I can’t get my brain into gear.

But then people sit there and tell me I must enjoy being disables, and I must love not having to work, and I’m just making excuses and I’m not trying hard enough and that if I just make myself do the work I would be fine because they can do it or they know someone else like me and they could do it.
So I sit at my house and I decorate cute little home and little forests and wonder what can I do, how can I change this but I always come up empty because I don’t know what people want from me, what they need since I can’t get anyone to tell me what I’m doing wrong, and why I’m never important enough to anyone for them to actually make time for me… I’m not asking for it all the time, or even often, but it would be nice if it happened once in a while.

I sit there writing this and I wonder... who will actually take the time to read all the way through, and if it even matters in the end that I bothered to get my emotions out in words or will they just see this as me complaining and if I’ll lose more people for it.
I get anxious every year as my birthday grows close because I’m so used to people forgetting it, I get afraid every time an admin on a sim messages me because I’m so used to people spreading lies about me, I get defensive when people push me because I’ve spent years of my life being bullied and lied to and told people liked me only to discover they were teasing me behind my back, I can’t remember my childhood and I know people don’t believe me when I say it. I’ve had people say that I’m nothing but a bitchy hateful person, when all I’ve done is try to be friends with people and sure I’ll vent occasionally but who doesn’t I get so frustrated because I can’t stand petty behaviour based on some imagined slight that I did somehow, even if I did offend someone or hurt someone I never know because that’s never my intention but no one ever says if I have, instead I just suddenly get someone who hates me and I can’t figure out why

Half the time it feels like I’m just going to explode because I’m constantly keeping things in instead of trying to talk about them, it’s very hard to feel wanted at a place when no one has ever reached out to you, and then to hear someone say ‘well your never around’ is a double blow so what can I do? Where does one move on from here? Or I suppose I’ll likely just end up the same place, sitting and smiling and pretending I’m alright, that it doesn’t hurt when I say something and am met only with silence on such a consistent basis that I have to figure it’s something I’m doing or saying but I just have no idea what it could be, that every time when I look back and look at myself and try to figure it out I don’t see it or perhaps I simply can’t see it because I don’t understand interactions and social laws the same way other people do, but it makes it so hard to change.

I didn’t intend for this to come out nearly as long or as emotional as it did but once I started setting the words to paper it just happened… and I don’t want to seem like I’m just some angst over reactive dramatic person because I’m really just... lost, and confused, and I’m not sure what to do anymore, I’m not sure what to try or say, because I feel like I’ve done everything I could, that I’ve reach out so much that its getting pitiful on my part because clearly I’m missing something, I just wish I knew what it was. What can I do to make myself worth other people’s time, and I don’t really want to hear that ‘everyone is worth it’ because yes that’s true but it won’t help or change anything for me I’ll still be left in the same situation as I am now and I’m not sure how much longer I can make myself stay like that before I give up on trying to communicate with people altogether. I’ve seen where that goes and I don’t want to be that.

I’m not a healthy person, but I’m really trying to be. I’m a very literal and blunt person but I don’t know any other way to communicate. I tell people from the start, this is how I am, and yet… later on down the line I still get people telling me off for the very thing I explained to them in the beginning.

But I’m tired, so very tired of smiling all the time when I really just don’t want to. I’ve dealt with a lot in my life, from a dad who would steal my medication and hit me, to a brother who does drugs, to friends who lied to my face about liking me, to years of being bullied in school for looking different, I’ve been homeless, I’ve been in foster care, I was abused in foster care, I’ve been abused by family, Emotionally and physically, and I’ve been in emotionally abusive relationships, I’m really not sure how anyone expects me to be anything close to sane. I’m Autistic, I’ve got PTSD, I’ve got horrible anxiety, and I have Retrograde Amnesia. These are facts that preface every interaction I have with another person, each fear shaky breath, the way my stomach curls in on itself and the way my heart pounds in my ears when I try and go forward and introduce myself and smile and not let all of that show. I’m in therapy, and I’m worlds better than I was even two years ago, but when will it be enough, when will I reach a point when I don’t have to constantly be afraid of making the wrong step, of saying the wrong words, I’m scared, all the time I’m so scared, but I’m never allowed to be.

People expect me to be normal and functional because I can type out a coherent sentence, they think my problems aren’t as bad as they are because I can smile and sometimes I laugh and I can be happy for a brief time, and then when those issues show up they are shocked and angry, like somehow I lied, like because I’m intelligent that I shouldn’t be affected the way I am, that I’m not trying my damned hardest to move forward in like. “It’s easy, you just have to try harder” I’ve been hearing it all my life, try harder, try harder, and try harder. What if I’m already trying my best?
When do I get to have a day where I can break down when do I get to have a day where I can expect my friends to be there for me and not be too busy, where all I want to do is curl up and cuddle and watch a movie for once with someone where I can let some of that fear and frustration out where no one says I’m not trying hard enough or I’m not really that way or that I’m just making it up and making excuses, when do I get someone who will tell me its aright not to be able to today, it’s alright that I can’t do it today, that maybe tomorrow I’ll be able, but I don’t have to today.

I know I don’t have the worst life in the word, but I also know it’s pretty far from the best, and there are a lot of things I’ve never told anyone about my life, but pain is relative, pain isn’t comparable from one person to another, some people can handle so much more than others and it isn’t fair for everyone to be expected and held to the same standard as someone else. Especially someone else who hasn’t dealt with the things you have. Who doesn’t experience the nausea when you wake up and look down at yourself and realize your dream was a better life, who doesn’t face every day in the wrong body, with a mind that won’t listen to what you tell it, who’s hands don’t shake every time they try to type, who’s not in pain with every step and movement, who didn’t go through four years of over the counter pills because the damn dentists wouldn’t believe they were afraid of needles resulting in an ulcer and nearly three months where they could not eat solid food, who doesn’t have their hands sit there raw and sore and inflexible for months before the doctors actually let them see a specialist. Who hasn’t had a physiatrist look at them and say ‘Lose weight and you’ll not be trans anymore’ Who hasn’t lived in a shelter where you could find needles on the floor in the bathroom, or who hasn’t experienced what it’s like to have your father spend all the money on pot so that the storage that held all of your things was auctioned off, who doesn’t look into a mirror and struggle to recognize their own face, who for years was told they just have ADHD and was finally given the proper diagnoses only after reaching adult hood and pointing it out themselves. Someone who didn’t go through school with hand me downs and holes in their shoes and had things thrown at them for getting the free lunches, who sat alone at lunch every single day because no one wanted to be seen with the freak, whose teaches looked down on them because they were not up to par with their older siblings in grades, whose father treated them like shit because they were not born a boy, and who would beat them for minimal actions that their brothers could get away with, whose brother would constantly hit, throw things at, bite, kick, and torment for years and then as an adult turn to hard drugs and alcohol and make their life a living hell of anxiety despite them saying so many times ‘hey there’s an issue here with him’ and no one would ever listen. I am a person who struggles to make themselves try every day only to get nothing out of it. Yes, I have a fragile emotional state, but I’m trying my hardest, and I don’t know what else I can give.

I thought I was holding myself together damn well considering but I’m not a functional person, I never have been and I kind of wish people would stop expecting that I will suddenly become one… it takes years and years of work, and it’s taken years for me to get to the point I’m at now, I need a little help from other people to make things work. I reach out and I reach out, but where’s the other side reaching back, because I can’t find it. What can I do to make that happen, to make people want to reach back, I just don’t know. Honestly I swear I function about as well as those crazy white people in commercials who can’t even run the water faucet without like breaking it or something.