Plurk paste

My first Jogan/Dalton fic! Hope you guys enjoy!
An idea that’s been in my head since ‘The Theory’ came out. Angst-y take on Julian noticing ‘the theory’ during the stalker period.
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See Me
Julian Larson sighed as he watched Logan try to keep Kurt Hummel’s attention. He didn’t know what was more pathetic at this point, Logan desperately trying to get Kurt to even talk to him or that he, the Julian Larson, was pinning over the blond boy. It was funny in a way, or maybe a better word for it would be ridiculous. Ridiculous seemed like it fit better, after all that was the perfect word to describe his past love experiences.

“So ridiculous,” he mumbled to himself in the empty hall way.

Pinning after a blonde short-tempered best friend who thought he was straight for three years, not exactly fairy tale material. Especially when Julian helped the blond boy in every love endeavor he had, only to disappear soon after. Then there was Paris too. Julian didn’t even know what he could call Paris or Sebastian, that certainly wasn’t a love story but it was something. Looking back at it, it reminded him of a cheesy and cliché movie. Meeting in Paris and falling in lo- and finding somebody special. He wouldn’t let himself say love, it would be too much. (and hadn’t he already learned about what happens after falling in love? Was it really worth it?)

It hurt. It always hurt in the end. Just like now, as he saw Logan smile happily at something Kurt had said. It was a real smile for once, not those fake ones he gave teachers or the smirks he gave to everyone else, but a real genuine smile. Part of Julian was extremely jealous of Kurt for being able to do that, but another part was glad in a bittersweet way. Even though he hated to admit it, he understood what Logan saw in Kurt.

He hadn’t at first, but then again he really didn’t want to get to know the boy. Sure, Julian wanted to help Logan and Kurt get together, but that didn’t mean he had to get to know his ‘love rival.’ It was the same way with Blaine and Joshua, help them out but never get too close. But he messed up this time, this time he had gotten somewhat close to Kurt. Close enough to be called friends. (Not that he’d ever admit that out loud, mind you.)

Talking to Kurt, although it did give him headaches at times, also gave Julian perspective. Kurt was so bright. He was honest and genuinely cared about people, but still had attitude. Beneath his diva and star exterior he has a golden personality, so blunt and helpful. The more Julian talked to Kurt about his stalker problems, the more he realized why Logan fell for the ‘Alice of Windsor.’
But just because he was starting to understand Logan’s perspective, didn’t mean it made things any easier. In fact it made it even worse. Getting to know Kurt made Julian look himself over, trying to find what made him different, what made Logan look at Kurt and not at him. In the end, he really couldn’t find anything too different, worst of all he found that they had more similarities than differences.

Both Julian and Kurt were attractive (he would admit that Hummel had a certain something but nothing in comparison t Julian) brunettes, who could hold their own. Both of them could deal with Logan and his moods because they both cared about him. Both were ambitious, they had the talent and they knew it too. They gave their all in what they did, Kurt in singing and Julian in acting. They were loud, demanding to be noticed for who they were and what they did and will do.

“So damn similar,” Jules muttered again, closing his eyes.

And of course, his minds decided to betray and continued to torture him by comparing himself to the rest of Logan’s previous boyfriends. Blaine and Joshua. Ambitious, talented, attractive (again not as attractive as Julian), strong willed brunettes.

Julian shook his head, trying to get of all these thoughts. He tried to convince himself that it was merely the lack of sleep and fear of the stalker that had made him jump to all these ‘epiphanies’ but he knew the truth. He was partly right. All of them, Blaine, Joshua, Kurt and himself were actually pretty similar. Again, how ridiculous and unfair.

Julian looked up again when he heard laughter from outside. Logan was still smiling with Kurt, so freaking happy. So unfair.

“Why?” he whispered to against the glass of the window, “Why can’t it ever be me?”

He felt his heart break a little more as Logan walked Kurt into the building for another study session or whatever. Julian shut his eyes, refusing to cry, refusing to break. He wouldn’t do that. He wouldn’t let his emotions get the better of him, he wouldn’t let the pain and hurt win. Julian would do what he did best, act like everything was okay. He would put on his famous Cheshire cat smile and keep going. He snorted to himself, he was one of the best actors of his age after all, he could pretend everything was alright even when his heart was quietly breaking. It wasn’t anything new to him.

Quickly Julian wiped away a tear drop from his eye as soon as he heard footsteps approaching. Derek was walking down the hall, looking worried before his eyes fell on Julian.

“Where have you been? You shouldn’t be wandering the halls so carelessly Jules, especially since we still don’t know how close your stalker is! Now come on, are you ready to get back to your room?”

Just before Julian could reply he saw Kurt and Logan bas through the hallway for an instance before ascending the stairs to another room. Julian watched them go with a sad and tired smile, “Do I have a choice?”