1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
National Coming Out Day was a few days ago. But that’s kind of thematically appropriate for what I am about to say, because… I’ve never actually “come out.” Partly that’s because I’ve been lucky and privileged enough that I’ve never been kept from doing something I wanted regardless of what label it might fall under. Partly it’s because none of the available terminology ever seems to fit quite right. Partly it’s because, look, I don’t know if any label is going to feel right because I just don’t like boxes.

But I’ve been thinking, for years now actually, that whether I’m “passing” or flying under the radar or can’t-actually-claim-to-be-X that by NOT saying anything, I allow labels to be applied by default. Inasmuch as it affects me living my life, I don’t think it matters much. If you know me, you probably know what I’m about. You probably know that I don’t quite vibe with the cis-het labels that one might assume, given no other info. I’ve probably said things or given off some whiff of something and you know, as far as it goes, that’s done me all right.

What bothers me is more the notion that someone might know me and not know they know someone who doesn’t identify as straight, or entirely as a woman. It bothers me that if someone had questions about those things, or me personally, they might not feel able to ask because I hadn’t opened it up to questioning. It bothers me that someone might THINK I was hiding something, when really, it’s just that these things are so vast and amorphous that my identity has never felt like something I can put into a word. I think that’s true of everyone, and I don’t think I’m more complicated or some special case. But I DO think that many people are more able to find solace or power or community in certain words than I am.

And that’s wonderful, and I look at the progress we are making and I revel in it. But this is my long-winded, slightly pedantic way of saying that you know someone who is some little bit of everything and I’m always willing to talk about it. You don’t need to change how you think about or address me. But I don’t want to let assumptions linger where they aren’t correct. If you need a word, the best I can do right now is “queer,” because to me that umbrella term covers me as some sort of undefined “not straight.” I once told someone (when they asked outright) that I was a ‘non-practicing bisexual’ and that still feels all right, but I would add ‘genderqueer’ to that because I’m not trans exactly, but I can’t remember a time I felt comfortable identifying as a woman. Pronouns are not personally important to me except when they are assumed, so you can use any with me that feel right.

Again, this is not a statement about anyone else’s sexual or gender identity, and one of the reasons I have hesitated to post this for so long is that I don’t want anyone to feel I’m negating their own journeys or existence. But I do want to open myself up to that discussion, if anyone ever feels the need. And I, mostly, wanted you to know that there are people you know who don’t easily fall into some of the categories we often default to.

Either way, if you’re reading this, you’ve already accepted me, because in my life I have always felt a tremendous amount of support from my friends and family for who I am, and for that, I am definitely extremely lucky.